The breakdown of a relationship is a stressful experience regardless of whether it was you or your partner that instigated the break up. If possible, take some time out to grieve the loss of the relationship. Acknowledge you are not going to be at your best for a while and give yourself a break.
Nobody can be a ‘perfect parent’ all the time. If you feel overwhelmed or need some time to yourself, ask a family member or friend to help.
Don’t go through the process alone. Get support from people you trust or a professional.
Try visualising the positives in your future. It can be hard when things seem so uncertain but having a goal in mind can help you move forward. Think about something you would like to do, or may have been considering for a while, and how you can work towards those goals.
If you are feeling overwhelmed try writing down your feelings of anger, guilt, frustration, etc, and then rip up the piece of paper.
While the couple relationship is over, the parenting relationship will continue and you will need to find a way to move forward together as co-parents.
Tips for shared parenting:
- Remember that your ex is still a parent and has an important role in your child’s life, so it is best to co-parent, as long as it is safe. If you do not believe it is safe for yourself and your child to see the other parent, seek specialist support.
- A parenting plan can be useful to help you both focus on the needs of your child. CAFCASS have prepared a parenting plan you can use, or use as a guide to create your own. It can be downloaded here. Discussing a parenting plan can give you an opportunity to discuss what is best for your child and how you can work together to achieve that despite your relationship having broken down. Work on focusing on the arrangements that will work best for your child rather than your own parental ‘rights’. Your child has a right to a relationship with both parents.
- Avoid adult discussions in front of children, particularly if finding it hard to agree. Do include your children in discussions if they are mature enough to express their wishes.
- Seeing conflict between their parents is frightening for children. Resentment or anger directed at your child’s other parent will make it harder to build your co-parenting relationship and can affect the quality of child’s relationship with both parents.
You may be feeling you can’t cope or you want everything to go away or back to how it was before. You may feel frustrated in getting to a final resolution but the slow process is adding to your uncertainty and stress. Be kind to yourself.
Anger during a relationship breakdown is a normal and typical response. However it can be distressing for both the person experiencing it and the person on the receiving end. Tips for dealing with feelings of anger:
- Bottling up anger can lead to depression. It can keep you stuck in the past and make it harder to move forward. Make sure you talk to someone you trust to work through the feelings. Attending professional counselling sessions can help you work through your feelings and leave you feeling better equipped to deal with the necessary arrangements following a relationship breakdown.
- Reframe your thoughts. Consider what you truly want: retaliation or to be treated fairly and making yourself be heard. Is there a more positive way to achieve this?
Practical Family Law Solutions can help with a relationship breakdown with expert legal advice. We also offer coaching, both to individuals to explore their goals and for couples to discuss splitting assets and creating a co-parenting relationship.